Words

You know how sometimes things just pop up in your head and you say oh no thats not a good thought but you also realise that it is true. Today I had many of those, I recently have been going through more than I can handle but ive been handling it with God. I went to a trunk party for one of my friend-if I may say- and it dawned on me that my life and happiness it far from reality, at this gathering he had many family members who came out to do alot for him with gifts for college or a decent amount of money. Now  not to sound greedy but I wanted that, not the gifts but the affection, the love and thought that someone out there is willing to go beyond for you. I know I always say be grateful cause someone is going through worse but those that stop the strong want that comes to mind when you realise that your life long troubles where caused by one silly mistake or greed. Lately ive been trying to change myself, I feel like who I was in highschool doesnt explain who I am know, I dont feel pretty or beautiful to be honest but I thought with time it would come along but here I am today with shoulder lenght split end hair, a mouth with braces and no one I can call my own not even a thing. I mean the ones I live with have done ALOT but still there is still that space in me that has never been filled, that doubt that never erases. After I got home from the party I cried my body weak I thought of all my hurts, all the sluts and hoes ive been called all the,relatiinships that are no longer here all for a different reason. All my stupidity, but its who I am. My problems are far and large, but only the one that owns the problem will realise the capacity of it, the way it hurts and the things it changes, but the ones who hear it wont get it and will instead just assume. The world speaks but doesnt make it the truth and it doesnt make it right.